10:58pm

It's late and everyone is asleep. The house is so quiet as I tiptoe out of my bedroom, through the kitchen and into the study. I need to be upright, i am in a fair bit of pain. Lately, food has been getting stuck again and I can tell tonight's dinner isn't digesting properly. It such an uncomfortable feeling. At least it's not a full spasm this time. They are almost unbearable. I wonder if this is how it will be for the rest of my life. I try not to worry. It's not really in my control. Lately I don't really feel as though much is...i my control I mean. Someone really needs to write a 'Parenting - How To' book... kind of like the 'What to Expect when you're Expecting' but for each stage of raising children. Right now I need to teen edition. It's all new. Every day its new and I am trying to figure out the best way or the right way or just ismply a way that keeps everything smooth and most people somewhat happy. Sometimes it feels like we are all walking o eggshells, never eally knowing when to speak or what to say or if what comes out will be taken the wrong way. When there's laughter or kind conversation my heart feels an immense amount of joy and relief. I feel exhausted 99% of the time. Whether I sleep well or not doesn't really seem to make all that much difference. I feel so overstimulated and depleated most days. Maybe it's hormones, maybe its ADHD, maybe it's just me. I wish I had more patience. More gentleness, more laughter. More of myself to give to my kids and husband. I give what I can and it's mostly through doing. Doing the cooking. Doing the washing. Doing the groceries. Doing the emails and bills and life admin stuff. Doing the taxiing around from place to place. Doing the listening or looking or watching or talking. Always the 'do-er' - never too sure which balls I can put down - never wanting to drop any but always feeling like there's too many to juggle. 

I wish the amount of love I had for my kids actually translated and showed. I wish the amount of enjoyment I get from being their mum was obvious and out on display. I feel like it's blanketed by a fog most of the time. The tired 'do-er' fog. It makes me sad and I carry guilt. Guilt for not being more present, more fun, more kind and patient and gentle., More understanding. A better listener. Time will pass me by and befor eI know it I will be longing for their stuff to be laying around, their bags hanging by the back door, their school work on the bench or dining table. Three glasses of water always sitting on the bench. I miss something that's not even over yet. Yet I struggle to live in the present moments and fully take it all in.