Current Thoughts
When I visit this place of mine, I make sure it’s because I want to, or because I have something to document or to say. It's been a while, but every time I return to this space its like catching up with an old friend. It feels comfortable and important.
We are already into the third month of 2019 and I have the same sentiment I have every year - after three (or four or five) long, hot months - I feel relieved at the promise of a cool change. A breeze that sweeps through and encourages shedding and letting go.
Autumn is a wonderful time of year for a homebody like myself. I tend to slow down and find rhythm in our day-to-day after the whirlwind that is concerts, presentation nights, Christmas, New Year, holidays etc. The new school year begins and it takes us a few weeks to get back into the normalcy of routine.
I've been looking inwards a lot lately. Asking myself 'How are you doing?' 'What inspires you?' 'Who are you again?' and as I muddle through the answers I realise I am a complicated mess. The thing I'm learning to do though is not apologise for who I am and to not think of a complicated mess as being a bad/negative thing. Nobody has all of their ducks in a row and there is certainly no such thing as normal.
Recently I read this and it resonated with me so much. It would seem I am an extroverted introvert (which explains the 'complicated mess'). I am indecisive, I don't like speaking on the phone and feel anxious when it rings, I am social but sometimes don't want to see anyone, I speak my mind (or type my mind here) and then overthink it all and wonder if it was the 'right' thing to say or do. I don't like the concept of how something 'should be' - don't put me in a box. Almost everything in this article is a summary of my personality.
The 'mess' part is in my head. It's all the thoughts, questions, guilt, memories, emotions and hopes swirling around together creating mess. Sometimes it's ugly mess, sometimes it's anxious mess, sometimes it's wonderful mess and sometimes, sometimes it is a beautiful mess.
